because, just because

acceptance.

2010-11-06T14:13:00.002+08:00

it makes us realise the world does not revolve around us.
it makes us realise nothing is handed to us.
it makes us realise that everything comes with a price.

do we understand?
do we fight?
do we sacrifice?

distances

2010-09-13T00:06:00.002+08:00

distance does not make the heart grow fonder..
it just makes you realise you can live without that person and get on with life.

so many half-dones..

2010-08-17T23:33:00.002+08:00

somedays are just.. somedays.

2010-08-14T19:23:00.002+08:00

doing work on a saturday and nobody's there.
he's not angry.. he is just sad.

work is just an excuse for something more troubling.
something that is not supposed to be troubling.
yet its eating him.. and eating him.

he doesnt understand why.
he is trying and trying.
a feeling doesnt come..
a feeling doesnt go...

but it's just more then feelings isnt it.
it's more then the beauty of a rose.
it's more then the longingness of a broken heart.
it's more then the courage of selflessness.

and yet he can't find more.
he tries. and he is trying.
give that man a little more time. and a little more hope.

April is the cruellest month.

2010-04-17T10:12:00.002+08:00

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain

Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

-Elliot, T.S The Waste Land.

Euphoria

2010-03-29T23:05:00.002+08:00

we got so numb by our feelings...
we got so numb from the alcohol.

i was in the powder room looking at the mirror.
i couldnt see myself. i couldnt feel myself.
i see a strange man. i have never felt so out of my body before.

the man in the mirror smiled and said 'you did good today.'
what is it that made him say that. and i dont feel anything at all.

it is a very strange feeling. the person in the mirror is actually talking to me.
and i hear his voice. i see him staring at me... he looks like me and he is me.
but i just cannot grasp the reality of it.
He is another person. he is a stranger and why is he talking.

i cant feel my fingers. and i cant hear my voice. im watching through a window and hearing everything around me. Even as i speak. it is not me. Even as i smile. it is not me. even as i touch it is not me.

The feeling is..... there is no feeling. all i want to do is... theres nothing i want to do. it is like dreaming, just that everyone around me is real. i know everyone is real. i just cant feel that they are.

i hope this feeling last forever.

outside my comfort zone.

2010-02-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

because there are so many things that are new.

so many things that we dont understand.
and
in the things we understand, we cant grasp the reality of it.

so many feelings that pull us in so many directions.
and
in the things we feel, we contradict.

we stand firm and try to control.
and
the things we control becomes greatly uncontrollable.

we let things sway and flow where circumstances take us.
and
the things we follow becomes extremely uncertain.

we know its there, we just cant see it.
'it' becomes so ambigious.

what is 'it'?

because... because feelings can be supressed.

2010-01-30T23:48:00.002+08:00

they can be controlled, and bent to the will of the wielder.
but how much can we twist and turn our feelings to tell ourselves lies...
just to make us feel better.

The more we recognise how hurt we can get.... the more we know how to delude ourselves.
maybe its not such a bad thing afterall.

With control comes patience. and with patience comes reward.

excess baggage.

2010-01-16T17:36:00.002+08:00

your shadow never seem to fade completely...

2010-01-11T20:52:00.003+08:00

there will be no time to think....
i hope there will be no time to think.

we cant stop. i dont want to. just a pause...
it will ignite a war.

a war within myself.
and it is so difficult to control...

slumber.

2009-12-29T23:55:00.002+08:00

its a time to rest.

ive done as much as i can. and i dont know how else to do it.
whether its right or wrong.
whether you like it or not.
whether you feel it or not.

it doesnt matter anymore.
i guess as long as you found your way,
everything will be fine for me.

its time to take a break.
a very long break.

因为我是胆小鬼。

2009-12-27T11:13:00.002+08:00

i dont have your courage to be bold.
i dont have your honesty to be truthful.
i dont have your humour to be funny.
i dont have your wits to be brilliant.
i dont have your strength to be firm.
i dont have your ignorance to be careless.
i dont have your will to be disciplined.
i dont have your temper to be petty.
i dont have your simplicity to be happy.

we act to make everyone like us but who will like us for who we are?
we become everybody and then nobody.
maybe we are just so afraid that being ourselves, we will have no one...

just give me another 5 seconds.

2009-12-20T20:54:00.003+08:00

ive never asked anything from you.
i tried my best not to be the selfish me.

just give me this time to feel.
the feeling that never ever showed.
it may never come again.

just 5 more seconds.

i will walk away.
i will never tell anyone even to myself.
i will pretend all these never happened.

if only you could love me a second time.
i will never let go.

MYOB

2009-12-19T23:25:00.005+08:00

it was suppose to be a great day.....

over and over again.. screw ups never seem to end...

if i tell you what to do... who would tell me whether it is right or wrong?

we cant help ourselves can we.. we just have to meddle into things
that are not our own...

i just need someone to tell me its all gonna be alright and lie to me that tmr will be a better day...
....is it really gonna be alright...... sometimes.. just sometimes.. i wonder.

denial.

2009-12-15T02:52:00.001+08:00

when all the truths are out...
you feel stupid.
you feel sad.

you are tired.
you are heartbroken.

thoughts.

2009-12-13T01:42:00.002+08:00

sometimes they are so unreliable.

the mistake of thinking more then we should...sigh.

comfort.

2009-12-09T13:17:00.003+08:00

at least deep within that sad face of yours... there is still a glimmer of laughter :)

lies

2009-12-07T01:07:00.001+08:00

fun to tell...
just make sure nobody finds out.

why i never want to wake up...

2009-12-04T11:29:00.003+08:00

mornings are times when i wake up realising i have lost almost everything.
it is the time of the day to start consoling myself,
to lie my way through, so people wont ask me 'what happened?'

some lines keep going through my head that i have to remember.
but what the mind remembers the heart just refuses.

i want to restart.
reset to default settings.
how do i do it.
i really just want to get out of this mess.

2009-11-30T01:23:00.001+08:00

its the smiles on your faces, that i try to find mine...

2009-11-28T02:43:00.001+08:00

if you love a person, you would try your best to make the person happy even if it hurts you like hell...

easier said then done.

2009-11-25T19:38:00.004+08:00

a friend once asked me, in the not too distant past...

'if i treat a person extremely well, to sit beside her when she is unconsolable,
to accompany her to places where you know she will be lonely, to surprise her
when she needed cheering up... and all the things you would do for her just to
make her world a better place...

would she then notice me? and fall for me? like they do in fairytales?'

im sorry, i couldnt answer then because it never occur to me... but i know now, and im sorry again.. because the answer is no..

Evangelion: you can(not) advance.

2009-11-21T23:23:00.001+08:00

its been sooo long.. i love the show.

2009-11-21T12:10:00.002+08:00

i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you i wont call you.

2009-11-20T09:51:00.002+08:00

there's so many times i dont know what im doing..

like i dont know now.

but when he feels bad. i feel too..

and i dont know how to help without complicating matters even more.

so i sit down and i cry too.

i believe we will be alright.
maybe just not now.

2009-11-18T00:56:00.004+08:00

im feel a little tired and abit more sad just by the single word that escaped your lips....

i finally realise that i can find no one to make this feeling go away.

i always assume the best.... is that what they call hope?
and the worst always occur.... maybe hope is over-rated.

i talked too much, too loud, too big, too soon... and now it's my turn to fade into the dark.

planting playgrounds

2009-11-14T02:38:00.002+08:00

and this is my favourite panel.... because.. just because.

2009-11-01T01:51:00.002+08:00

after all this is over..

we will disappear into the dark,

and hope new adventures will find us.

2009-10-28T03:07:00.002+08:00

are you unreliable or are my expectations too high?...

this is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.

2009-10-24T00:44:00.005+08:00

your minute answers to my questions.

your non answers to my important questions.

your failure of judgement.

your insensitivity to our current situation

your unreasonable expectations

your avoidance

your nonchalance.

my anxiousness

my constant approach.

my unreasonable expectations.

my failure of judgement.

my sensitivity to our current situation.

my answers to your non questions.

my answers to your minute questions.

our mis-communication.

our hurt.

our tiredness.

our non-communication.

you brought hell upon yourself.

2009-10-22T00:23:00.003+08:00

the past two weeks seemed so slow to pass and it passed like a blot of lightning.

and with it came the thunder.

there is so much to do. and we are not doing it.
we end up squeezing our life out from a tube of toothpaste in order to save it.
it's time to plan. but planning it becomes too late.
all we gonna do is madly rush to the finish line.
without thinking.... because thinking will take up too much time.. and because later we are too tired to think.

i don't want it to be this way anymore. but its 2 on 1.
i lost.
i lost to our will power, i lost to our discipline.

play now. work later.
procastinate now. regret later.

goodbye you.

2009-10-14T22:39:00.002+08:00

its over for me as it's long over for you..
i know why you left. and i'm still very, very sorry for the things i have done and things i havent done...

may be it's the time of the year where work never seem to end.
may be it's the time of the year where i dont sleep much anymore.
may be it's the new friends that i found...
may be it's the old friends that made me smile.

your shadow starts to fade a little.

it's just sometimes i dont really want to wake up.
sometimes i dont want to go to places.
sometimes im so afraid to open the photos folder.
sometimes i just want to shout out loud for help...

but i know nobody can help me but myself.

i dont get how come im so stuck in us.
maybe im just a little not over you.

2009-10-08T00:00:00.002+08:00

some things dont need to be said. it is the things they do that the your questions are answered clear as day.

2009-10-06T00:25:00.002+08:00

it's time to walk away.... and never ever look back.

2009-09-29T00:26:00.002+08:00

就是不可能的。为什么还那么还那么伤心。。。

LIES.

2009-09-21T12:00:00.004+08:00

i tend to swirl out of control. its time to take everything back. and be the normal me.

2009-09-19T01:42:00.003+08:00

ill stand by you when you feel so down.

ill help u lie if you can only speak the truth.

ill pick up the pieces if you fall apart.

ill carry you on my back if the soles of your shoes are worn.

ill be your friend if that is all you need.

but please dont force me to say i love you
when u know we can never be together.

2009-09-12T19:03:00.002+08:00

dear you,

喜欢一个人要勇敢一点。。。

love,

shijie

2009-09-06T00:58:00.002+08:00

there is a new goal inspired by an old friend.

2009-09-01T00:22:00.004+08:00

today was a good day.

it was drizzling slightly. the leaves were falling like little drops of sunshine.
we got a good parking space at the school carpark.
we had friends to cheer us up.
work done that was satisfiable.
good deeds done that had gone unpunished.

there was a nice jog within the misty night.

and there was a smile upon our face

2009-08-15T11:55:00.002+08:00

you just dont know how painful it is for me as i will never know how painful it was for you.
but now. its been too long ive gone too far. the possibilities seem to fade into a thin line. i dont know what to do. how to do. all i can do now is to let it go. Patience. control. the man who falls in love is pathetic.

2009-07-31T00:58:00.001+08:00

i think i just have to sit back and relax. and watch the world pass me by.

morning blues.

2009-07-21T11:13:00.002+08:00

it doesnt matter if everybody else cares... when he is the one that doesnt.
every word he says send knives into your heart.
there is so much misunderstanding that you dont know how to put them right.
it came to a point where communication becomes pointless.

you want to let go. and then u dont want to.
it stretched too long, maybe its not love anymore.
maybe doing your best is not doing anything at all. and u violated that.

there are so many things to regret. too many. they come in waves and hit you senseless into writing stuff like that. and then suddenly its gone..

you are just so lost now.. you dont know what to do.... dont know what to do..

indulging misery.

2009-07-02T11:08:00.002+08:00

i believe.. i have to.
just sitting and waiting for the feeling pass is not gonna make anything better.
it probably peaked and it fell.. it fell so deep. even i can feel it.

so maybe ill just swim in it. afterall what cant kill you makes you stronger.

2009-05-31T22:48:00.002+08:00

im looking for a place..
where it is fluffy and white and happy so i can bounce around the whole day.. or probably bounce around for a few months.

then there are sheep floating all around the place making their muffled noises.
the sky is the colour of lavender and the breeze the smell of baking bread.

i dont want to run away. i just want to stay away. right now.

and im trying very hard.

sometimes its just so difficult

2009-04-27T23:48:00.002+08:00

this may not be my day my week my month or even my year.

its like the walls keep falling in front of you. and when u climb over one the next wall is just taller.

everybody expects something different from you and if you dont reach up. they will just leave.
and u dont want to ever be alone.

maybe im just getting tired.
maybe being alone is not that bad a thing.

the flower thief

2009-03-13T09:48:00.002+08:00

AHHA~!
i finally finished this like last night.
time taken: FOREVER.

and the one below in progress. is still in progress....
there is just so much work to be done.

in progress

2008-11-29T12:41:00.001+08:00

its the holidays!~

MLA semester 1

2008-11-16T08:34:00.007+08:00

the days of my week

2008-10-28T01:06:00.005+08:00

if the week starts on a sunday, then my week starts with hell.
frankly, i never like sundays since i was 12. Sundays are like time bombs.

work piles up like hell on sundays. and i berate myself because i didnt do anything on saturdays.

and if sundays are hell. i die on mondays.. in hell.
dying in hell isnt such a bad thing. its like liberation. i die in the fire and reborn in the fire.

tuesdays are happy days. i get to see you. and i realised how much ive missed u. tuesdays are sooo short.

wedensedays are hangover days. worry panic worry panic.

thursdays are hell again. 9 to 9 days. and in the middle of it we dont know what we are doing. 2 to 6 is a big ???. and by 9pm all we need is to sleep.

fridays and saturdays pass like the wind. we get together and mostly discuss nothing over nothing. and then its back to sunday again.

ohh.. great times.

landscape studio

2008-09-25T21:01:00.003+08:00

our first book~!

nice idea to begin with. a toture to do. and a super sense of satisfaction in the end

death

2008-09-13T18:22:00.003+08:00

i believe i have written about death twice. and both time it is remoseful and sad.
i guess death just doesnt get out of my head and its always sad to see someone go.

My aunt passed away just 2 days ago. its all sad and rainy. i came home from school at exactly 0548hr to see my house litted up like chinese new year, only with an ambulance in the driveway.

later in the afternoon i received a call during my studio session from home telling me she died 10min ago.

The cancer got so aggressive it attacked her liver and she was suffering so much that they (at least the women) call it the second degree of pain. The first being childbirth. and the second, liver failure. within one week, she turn from a shade of beige to sickly yellow. its really kind terrifying.

Death is.... something really troublesome
its the feeling of dilema that it gives. it hurt us seeing her in such pain, maybe death will alleviate the pain. yet. when we see her go. it hurt us when she leaves.

and there is the feeling of no escape. it doesnt matter whether u are close to the desease or not. in the end the pain and sadness will be there.
if you are close to her. like my cousin and uncle who really loved her and cherished her, they feel the sadness that they will never see her again.
and if you are like me, i have never really talked to her till recently, i feel the regret that i dont know her well enough, and now i dont get to.

i believe the saddest thing was that we all encourage her to get well. and i got a feeling she was not trying hard enough and succumbing to it. until she asked me the question. ' how come i cannot get better?' then i realised she was really trying.

and there are things about families. there are always awkward moments. because there are not alot to talk about. and the long hours u have to spend there, they start asking questions that u would ask during a festive seasons. like how are u? any gf? where are u studying now? how many years left( to study)? blah blah... blah blah blah. its just so troublesome. on my part i have to ask them hows work, what are u doing now. hows ure kids. hows my cousins. although some questions are geniuine.

in a wake maybe only the peanuts are nice... and maybe i get to see all my cousins that i dont see very often. they all have grown.

in general i hate wakes or funerals. hmm what am i talking about. everybody hates them.what i want to ask is.. it is really necessary? to hold if for 3 5or 7days?to be sad and drifty. drag and drag. let her go already!

when i die. ill write in my will to set up this party. maybe a cocktail reception with lotsa booze. and everybody be merry. theres really no point in being sad. im gone already. and everybody should enjoy and celebrate the life they have. dont be sad when i leave, be happy that i left.. like taking a one way trip that nobody knows where.

torment and power

2008-09-03T14:21:00.003+08:00

found this at deviant art. omg the best lor.
this is the apical representation of tormented power.

walking the line and crossing it.

2008-08-22T16:27:00.006+08:00

i was just chatting with a friend the other day about relationships and the likes. and what got me thinking was what constitute to cheating.?

i know this is probably a topic that is overly discuss but i cant help but to think where to draw the line if not for the general populace then just my own.

the simple rule is not to have any sexual relationship with a third party. for the reason that the act of making love is the most sacred and the most intimate in a relationship. It exposes the greatest vulnerability of the human being. Desire, and succumbing to it.

While saying that. across the spectrum of base instinctual physical connection is that of the complicated emotional one. So, if one is attracted to the third party in an emotional way more than their partner, would it be considered adulterous?

if not, why?
if so, why? and which is worse the physical intimacy of being unfaithful or the emotional intimacy.

can we even seperate physical and emotional intimacy?

would fantasising of other ppl while making love with their partners be considered unfaithful. afterall you are doing the most sacred act with your partner, just that your mind tends to wonder.

and even then the person of choice in these fantasies play an important role. would it be someone that one knows personally? or maybe just some really hot superstar like angelina jolie or brad pitt. i would believe the consequences would greatly differ if the partner finds out.

Even maybe just talking to an ex or another party of interest is considered cheating.

maybe the act of feeling guilty, because one has done one or all of the above or even more, is the yardstick of being unfaithful.

having said these, i have not read anything about cheating or love or intimacy, more rather they are random thoughts that pop in and out of my highly randomized mind.

im still looking for that thin red line and making sure i will not cross it. because ultimately i dont want the person i love to leave because of the thought of me being 'unfaithful' .

satisfaction

2008-08-15T00:26:00.002+08:00

green t at the regent

even if we dont win i already feel like a winner. :)

colour me blind

2008-08-08T01:46:00.004+08:00

fustration

2008-08-05T22:43:00.002+08:00

when stupid avoidable things happen
u have to pay attention to them.
and paying attention to them is the last thing you want to do.

but u just have to do it.

leads to procastination.

and u become more fustrated because things are not done.

then u wonder... why are you doing this to yourself.

and then become even more fustrated.

colours and grid

2008-08-03T20:14:00.002+08:00

Sketch book sem 2

2008-08-03T19:45:00.006+08:00

have a closer look!

omgwtfbbq!

2008-08-02T17:59:00.002+08:00

sorry i just had to put this video.

Tifa rox my socks~!

i heart fighting sequences

2008-07-30T22:42:00.000+08:00

the best fan made i ever seen~

SGF 2008

2008-07-28T01:42:00.001+08:00

just using my very convinient media. the handphone.

its not 'just a garden'.

2008-07-27T00:47:00.009+08:00

i know that ignorance is bliss. but for the last few days it has just been down right irritating.
So, i have a family ticket to the Singapore Garden Festival, and wondering who i should give it to.

friend 1 ' who the hell wanna see flowers?'
friend 2 'whats SGF? the starting alphapets of your car plate no.?'
friend 3 'SGF is singapore garden festival. you know, the ladybug and the mantis....who the hell wanna see flowers?'

and i started giving up hope on my friends.
my significant other half took pity on me (thats what i concure from all these negative reactions) said. 'i dont mind going, i think i can take lotsa photos there.' which means photos of himself with flowers.

i just wanna make my point clear.
This landscape, horticulture industry is not just about decoration, aesthetics, superficial prettiness.
i believe we live in a time where we destroyed like half of earth and now finding our way back into her graces. so much so we came one big round from living in nature to destroying it to going back to living with it. The whole idea came back to us from the concequence of our actions to a point that we made it a lifestyle.

Most of us not in the know have a very generic, superficial idea of what a garden is. The word garden in our minds has always been this small space of manicured plants and pretty flowers. while i dont deny that it is the truth, but the possibilities are endless.

Through out the years, the industry has been undermined and cast off as unimportant. There are so many untapped potential and opportunitites with estimated growth of more then a hundred and fifty million by 2014 and singapore primary goal is to be a city in the garden, i wonder why so many of my friends have this narrow conceived idea of the backyard garden.

We have people flying in from australia india morocco china etc etc just to look at our 'gardens'! to study how sustainable they are. how we plant it. how we maintain it. and singapore has always been trying to be ahead of the game (as always). in terms of aesthetics, sustainablity, technology and thus the organisation of the SGF.

One of the most exciting and biggest project singapore could ever have, moving towards work.live.play environment. Hopefully this project would not only create a more comfortable environment for her people but also draw loads of income from tourism.

and guess what its called? a garden.

maybe u should take a read.

i dont know if its fortunate or unfortunate that we grew up in a city that has always been green. For one, i have always wonder what would it be like if i was a foreigner say from New york or bombay, would i be awed by the amount of green and nature around me when i drive down ecp.

i would never know. i grew up with it. and many of us take it for granted that it just there. because its there.

dusk

2008-07-23T09:54:00.003+08:00

just for 3 minutes.
i would step out onto the balcony.
just being the observer

the air is cool and sometimes damp.
the clouds are grey and sometimes red.

Every window of light tells the story of their lives.
its like watching a movie running forever.

its so dark
it hides my presence.
theres nothing to fear in the dark.

it feels so safe
it feels so quiet.

waiting for nothing.

2008-07-16T02:36:00.002+08:00

staring into the screen
lying on the bed

there are games to be played.
yet i feel so guilty playing them

there is work to be done
yet i feel that they are so unimportant.

there are shows to be watched
yet i find them so uninteresting.

and there are times to stone.
wondering what im waiting for.

time just pass

im not doing anything.

thinking, and saying
and everything left hanging.
hanging by a thread
blowing by the wind.

so unfulfilled.
just waiting for nothing.

MLA sem 1.

2008-07-03T11:17:00.005+08:00

idle.

2008-07-02T23:27:00.006+08:00

i cant find the passion to walk out into the park

i cant find the willingness to play at the beach

i need a catalyst

force me out with every adventure you got

take me far far away and we will walk our way home, discovering the beauty that surrounds us all

invite me to watch the sunrise and stay through the star starts to rise.

im waiting for you, all of you to bait me out of my slumber.

i am the sloth in me, too comfortable under the muscle.

right now, lazy > active. :)

2008-03-02T11:41:00.002+08:00

im worried.

escapism makes it worse.
and i cant help it.

i want to. but i cant.
im helpless.

what is it?

me myself and i

2008-02-24T12:45:00.002+08:00

we are going crazy...
and when i say 'we' i mean me.

yes i think im going crazy.

there are 3 differnt voices in my head
theres a him a you and an i

sometimes its difficult to know whos incharge.

may be thats why he's so random
its not my fault.
you are just an idiot.

crap im talking to myself again.

what am i?

2007-12-01T20:33:00.000+08:00

the shooting star that flies across the velvet sky, and when it begins to land it is actually this crashing plane on fire.

talent

2007-10-29T21:27:00.000+08:00

he is just not good enough.

how is it he tried and tried and it never works.
and he watched everyone running ahead of him.

now he wants to get away.
sink into a bath tub and fall asleep.

limitations

2007-09-13T13:23:00.000+08:00

bounded by our bodies. we fail to fly
bounded by our minds. we fail to enlighten.
bounded by the world. we fail to see.

its okay when everyone has limitations. it makes everyone the same.
its fustrating that everyone has different limitations. it breeds competition.

why must we settle and be content with who we are?
with the excuse that we are not weaker, its just that every human being is different.

we have to deny, we have to lie
because of limitations.

there is always a restriction. a constriction. a reservation. by nature by man.
we are never free. we will never be free.

i miss.

2007-09-07T20:03:00.000+08:00

a place that i will never be back again.
only in hope that we will meet again.

its this triangle that has three opposing ends. there is tension. and im somewhere in the middle of the middle.

uneasey and awkward. my smile hides the true nature of my heart. im nervous. im tense. i smile and feign to understand. i never look up hoping that someone will glimpse and release this tension.

and someone did.

drinking and drinking. a flash of crimson, the voices of laughter.we forget who we are with unbroken ties forged.

its merryment that strips all self concsiousness.
its watching the flower bloom.
its loving unconditionally

i hoped for eternity, but eternity passed three days ago.

it ended when i regugitated the flash of crimson, the voice of laughter, the merryment and the love... deep into the cold hard stone.
the feeling was empty.
the feeling was head throbbing.
the feeling was..... sad.

i just want it to end. and i slept.

it is this triangle that i dont want to forget. the exhilaration of the mind that brings pain to the body.

i dont want to forget. but i will forget.

time heals all wounds,
time erase all memories.

2007-08-06T12:34:00.000+08:00

they asked me if i missed singapore.

i said...no.

i just have no feelings for any place.
if i go, i will go.
i will not miss. i will not care. i will not feel.

i have no favourites. i have no hates.
if i have to choose. i will not choose.

i have no stand. i have no opinion.
if i have to critique. it will not be good.

im sitting on the fence. just waiting and waiting.
waiting for something i want.
waiting for something to like.

i want to know what i want in life.
i want to know what goals i want to achieve.

i dont know.
anything.

2007-08-03T14:16:00.000+08:00

fustrated, yes i am. not with you but myself.

i need an outlet. but with such close proximity with people i cant help but to feel even lonelier, even more uptight.

every night, you seem so near and yet you are a hundred thousand miles away. what i can see, i cannot feel. what i feel i cannot touch.

i miss you and i miss you dearly.

just thoughts.

2007-04-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

random thoughts.
its getting it done and working hard
its working hard that makes you procastinate.

its speaking and trying to understand
its trying to understanding that makes you look stupid.

its dreaming and lazing.
its lazing that makes you lazy.

its finding and getting lost
its getting lost that makes you fustrated.

its happiness that you never want to end
it never wanting it to end that makes you anxious.

its wanting to tell and letting ppl know
its letting ppl know that makes you so afraid.

its making the path clear and finding the direction
its finding the direction that makes you confused.

its finding an end and ending it
its ending it that makes you sucidal.

you think the world is going crazy around you, when its you going crazy by all that is around you.

sinking, and sinking...

to all those who are lost.

2006-09-03T18:07:00.000+08:00

have been really busy lately, submissions after submissions, work never seem to end. my world have been a total worldwind, getting hit hard in the head, over and over again. i wonder when its gonna stop.

somehow this sem isnt one of the greatest. maybe everybody else is feeling down, everybody else is feeling tired. everybody else is falling outta love. Shuhan and me had tried to keep the spirits up. but i guess its a matter of time when we all succumb to the depression.

maybe we already have. we are just in denial.

its a time to feel sad and cty it all out. thats how life is, thats how we know what life is. but we need to know when to stop and learn to smile again. thats how happiness is, thats how we know what happiness is.

2006-07-23T12:28:00.000+08:00

i shouldnt have left home.
i shouldnt have sent her home.
i shouldnt have started the engine.
i shouldnt have drove 120 down the freeway.
i shouldnt have assumed.

now its all gone.the price of it all...
the things i have lost... which probably would be gone forever.

i fucking lost my wallet lah. CB! so today i went to cancel my cards.5min later, the dbs ppl called me and told me my debit card was cancelled yesterday.what does this mean?! what does this mean?!!! other then someone cancelled the card for me.

is that guy nuts?.
i hope he didnt take all the money in it before cancelling it, not that there is much in there.the next thing he'll do is call the bank for my no. and hook me up.

its totally NUTS!

anyway if u guys have the slightest clue what the hell that person is doing gimme a buzz.

2006-07-18T07:22:00.000+08:00

cooling myself from the morning jog :)

school holidays are coming to an end.
the story in my life has ended its last chapter.

all these feelings of emptiness...
all these feeling of happiness...
all these feeling of awkwardness...

suddenly all these doesnt matter, all i want now is sit back and watch as people's life pass me by... and totally be uninvolved.

2006-06-27T02:30:00.000+08:00

27th june

we didnt make it through. we didnt live happily ever after.

our hearts died... and we were left to heal. i hope u got better
coz im no better. my life has been a mess.. it always have been.

now i have no one to turn to.
to confide these problems that stained my heart.

and yet what is the use.
even if told you, how could you ever possibly help?

should i say goodbye?
a retreat from everybody.
in which i can never come back...

are u ready to walk this journey with me?

2006-06-22T16:01:00.000+08:00

thanks to those ppl who read and cared.
you guys are great :)

but i guess we have to solve our own problems and nobody else can help you but yourself...

and im getting along fine:)

2006-06-12T21:43:00.000+08:00

just that day, after a long night playing games, we lazed in my house. moving from computer to bed, bed to computer, drifting from consiciousness to sleep, sleep to consciousness...

after so much emotional turmoil, confusion, love and anger that happened the past week... it made me realised how much ive missed the simple things we could do just to lighten my day..

i just hope i never have to fall in love again.

i missed how we go under the blanket and share each other secrets in darkness...
i missed the wrestling matches we had on the bed...
i missed the games we played on the ps2...
i missed the way it poured outside and how safe i feel inside.
i missed the way we sang along to the music on my iTunes
i missed how we layed in bed through the day, looking at the clock lazily saying there is more time to laze....
i missed how we fight for the blanket when the air con blows too cold.

i have never liked sundays.... but that day, even if it wasnt any of u...
i felt glad that it all happened again...

maybe its really time to move on....

2006-06-06T02:22:00.000+08:00

time to live my own life...

.
.
.
.
.
.

but what do i want?

2006-06-03T19:15:00.000+08:00

fuck...

im so dead.
SHUHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how?!

the day i hated my life..

2006-06-01T19:20:00.000+08:00

DISCLAIMER! read on only if u want to destroy your perfect picture of mingyew. eg. i know of some ppl who has... PUI~.

it was a nice wednesday evening, kinda excited by the fact we are going for the bash we organised and since shuhan, van, sam, CO and Mingyew have never been there before we decide to meet at orchard and slowly make our way there. our dear MY has to be 1 1/2 hours late! (and its like the 100th time he is late for more then an hour!)and make everybody wait... So at eleven i met him, carrying all his barang barang, (as always), like a bloody school kid with a bag too huge for him, grining from ear to ear... he is lucky that im also waiting for allan and hechi too, or else ill just slap him upside down inside out...blody hell, make us wait for so long... but i guess i also have a soft spots of kids. grinz.

SO we did not have exactly a fun time at butterfactory. but we at least took some pics, we didnt stay too long... and decide to have a good supper instead, so XW, me and barang barang boy made our way to a 24hrs prata shop to have some nice hot crispy prata. yum. and then down to XW's place.

We settled down in XW's house and i was 'yay, can rest liao....'

'then there is the 'SHIT. where is my wallet ah?'
then there is the 'shit shit shit shit' frantic 'shit shit shit' more frantic ' where did i put it?'...
i was like 'fuck u fuck u fuck u.'

that pangsai boy lost his damn wallet. being the very nice me, (noSHIT! im even talking like him!) we retraced our steps from the prata shop and we walked all the way down to my place, ransacked my living room, got into the car, ransacked my car. both of us were like cannot be what. he just paid for prata.. so it surely must be around. no choice. cannot find we went back to XW room and lament.i took his bag, and found it in his bag, under his smelly socks.

.....

i just hurled a ton of vulgarities at him lah. plus a few bolsters and pillows. and he just grin from ear to ear again....

we all end up sleeping at five plus after all that drama drama and a few games of blogger... pangsai boy starts to complain about waking up early the next day to get to camp and about reporting sick... and whatever.. he complained himself to sleep.... the next thing i heard when i woke up 45 min later was his complaining again. its like as if he didnt slept... being the very nice me again... i sent him to camp. although he did refused. i sent him there anyway. and he said bedok camp and i was like okayyyy.

'ok we are here' i said to his sleepy face.
'its not this one..'
...'wat! u said bedok camp what.' pointing at the guards camp.
' its the khaki bukit there one. the driving camp'
'whatever'

FUCK U UNDERSTAND!

i shouted at him for at least 5min la! blame it on my short temper and a not to good week....

before we part. i thank him for coming down to the bash even if he had to book in the next day.

'yah no prob, if have this type of events call me again..'
'i was like 'no, i think better not.'

my photoshop is so much better then ures lah!

2006-05-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

just wednesday we went to double O. lotsa girls! woooo! lady's night and they had an event. cool.

as we all know... alot of us cant dig to double O's music and the only reason we go there is because the drinks were cheap. (thats y i got so drunk the other time)

we got so bored we just snap each other with our camera phone.. so fun! BLEH~~

thats everyone. taken from the photographer of the club

i seriously dont know what im doing...

me elaine and allan...

ohh thats not alot of photos...

ANYWAY its time to publicise the upcoming event! TOYS at butterfactory!! there will be lots of hunks and babes lor. i think. so come k.

2006-05-25T03:28:00.000+08:00

its three twenty five in the morning and i cant seem to go to sleep...

Run by snow patrol is playing... the night never seem to end
so many things are running through my mind... 27th June is closing in.

what can i do waiting for this month to go and end....
slopping around? wasting my life away? and all these will end soon.
dont ask me what is wrong. i cant even start to explain... im just glad there are still ppl who care. dont ask me whats wrong.

maybe only you know whats wrong and 27th june is just a month away. i just cant wait for it to all end. maybe something will come around and change and we will all be happy again. have heart, have heart.

i love you.

a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.

2006-05-20T01:11:00.000+08:00

my kisses are full tonight again.

i look at u, i look at myself.
we stand together, but i wonder how far ahead are you.

u dont have the perfect life, i do.
i have everything yet im so unfulfilled.
u have nothing yet u are contented.

u are everybody, im nobody.
u shine so brightly, i cant shine on my own.
im invisible... and i begin to blend into nothingness.

i let the kisses overflow... im fading anyway.

2006-05-15T01:05:00.000+08:00

i made a new friend today.

he is young and vibrant. the way he writes, the way he talks could brighten your cloudy day. maybe, to his friends he is the happy folk. maybe to his friends he is the joker who makes them laugh.. maybe. he is young, he looks happy. i hope he is happy.

i never had a tragic past. i love my parents and my parents loves me even more. i have siblings who cares and we cherish the time we spend together. i will never understand the stories of broken families and how they could hurt each other, but this facade is crumbling as families starts to shatter around me...
his story strikes me, right into the heart where it bleeds. maybe its the way he wrote, maybe he did dramatised. but behind that cheery face there is indeed a tragic past, and how much he must have been through to become where he is today. and that i blame myself for the stupidity, the foolishness ive caged myself in till now... just because of a broken heart.

you turned out good. and thats the first ive seen. cheers~~.

2006-05-11T00:48:00.000+08:00

maybe we should all lean back and relax. instead of getting involved, we should sit back and just watch the world pass us. sipping our lemonade while watching the stupid things that happen day after day in their hectic life.. ahhh... just like a movie.

we were chilling out at timbre tonight it was suppose to be a special occasion to celebrate our dear coco's bday. somehow han looked tired and worn out, vann was like chatting away happily about how mark is cute (too bad vann.. just too bad).... and sam was like 'vann... talk to the hand, talk to the hand'... and coco didnt turn up coz of work commitments. BOOOOOO...

atmosphere was great. music was greeat. just that coco didnt turn up.. BOOOOOO....

seeing coco and shuhan... sigh... like still cannot get out of the hectic work days... those workaholics!~~ BLEH! PUI!

to shuhan- please hor get rid of those emo friends. no.. tame them at least. and dont get yourself
into any more trouble :)

to coco- dont work so hard... i know its good exp. but dont tire ureself out and dont screw up your already screwed social life.

to vann - stop thinking about mark! he is not your type. or rather u are not his type! and please pass me the photos we took so i can blog them.

to sam - hope your prince charming will realise you someday. cheerz~

couple pics. with me of course.

2006-05-07T14:18:00.000+08:00

allan wanted to see wenyi in a pic. so i have to disguise this intention with lots of other couple pics. opps.. did i let anything out?

me and me

not photoshopped or digitally altered, just two of me and blur.

chaijian and me either a bday or chirstmas party at bert's.

allan and me

kenny and me. when i get to know them.

terence and me. when i get to know them better.

andy and me... my later army days

allan and me again. melbourne chinatown

tiff and me... just being scandalous

same day but this time with fiona

sentosa with co seng

wenyi's bday

clubbing with keyth and XW

supper with van.

and finally sentosa with terence.... those were the days...

just some of the pics i have to remember these ppl by and to realise how old i really already am. i have alot more but its too time consuming to put them all down.. so dont complain ok. ill take a couple shot with u soon.

2006-05-02T00:37:00.000+08:00

exams over! and the holidays are up ahead. lots to plan, lots to do... its just a great relief its over just like everyone else....

2006-04-23T19:41:00.000+08:00

maybe van really woke me up.
im all over the place. i cant concentrate. im so restless. i dont know whats wrong man. maybe its submission. maybe its the relationship. maybe its the car.... maybe maybe.

waking up to a world u rather sleep forever.
you are free yet u feel so strangled.
whats wrong? and you dont know why.

melbourne2005

bloody sunday

2006-04-02T18:17:00.000+08:00

i think that was the most eventful thing that happened in studio last sunday. YEA. we were working in studio on a sunday night!!!! and eventful doesnt mean fortnunate.

sometimes ppl work too hard in arki and they get tired and cranky...
they just get assaulted for no reason. they should totally cut down our workload!

target no.1 geraldine.

look at all that blood...

she got totally 'X'ed out man, for the rest of the week... ELIMINATED. 11 more to go...

NOT. she got better. (but look at that whale of a finger...)

witch hunter robin

2006-03-31T03:15:00.000+08:00

working in studio, got bored and started to watch anime over youtube.

melancholy, silent, bitter

work accomplished (almost)

2006-03-25T20:36:00.000+08:00

So, we had to do a rendition of a traditional malay house. we spent days and nights just to get a simple malay house done.
Van called it 'a malay house made by a bunch of chinese' coz we are so kiasu we wanted to add everything in to make the house pretty but boy are we proud of it.

at 4am in the morning when van and me had finish doing the detailed model, being proud makers of such fine art, we decided that art should play more then one purpose of aesthetic.

our 1:5 detailed model

a vann&me production

photographs by samantha seet and lin ruilin

hear me play...

chicken drumstick for you

im not even covered under that umbrella

stealing materials again..

and this is the torch of liberty.

our 1:5 detailed model. (shit. abit slanted.)

its 4am and we totally lost it after afew days of sleepless nights.

2006-03-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

im tired. i just wanna sleep... and sleep forever.

uninspired.unmotivated

2006-03-18T21:45:00.000+08:00

im just so fucking busy.. and whats worse is that it's not work im busy with.

i dont know i seem to regret, everytime i have some fun. working pressure is really getting to me. its bad enough that i dont do my work, its worse if i dont know how to get it done. oh well i still had a fun filled friday nontheless.

go read shuhan's blog. it has probably the whole detailed itinerary. and if u wonder who is at the corner of the first photo blocked by her 'artistic backdrop'... its the cutest guy (no... not jason)in yr1 arki.
ANYWAY....
we watched SAW. VERY interesting. but i kinda dont quite understand some parts, its like as if the show has loopholes... wierd. think have to watch a few time to understand those parts.
van look so domesticated in my home clothes! hahaha. she has this thing that makes you laugh without even being funny. she's nice. our mdm shuhan looks the same, like in school liddat. sian.
although friday movie marathon was kinda screwed up, maybe it's the company that makes it quite enjoyable even if co was wasted...(kinda reminded of myself) i really dont mind having such events... but not on school days!

so friday was wasted on fun. then on saturday, after sleeping for 4 hrs, me and keith went out to get a new phone. getting a new phone is totally tiresome, time consuming, labourous and torturous...have to go around compare prices and then get lost in angmohkio and toapayoh. (totally not my heartland area) and somemore that singtel customer service so cock up. i a bit sian.

and for all that time wasted i didnt get a phone. i got a haircut.
by the time i get back im like a tired shit. saturday wasted to total sianess.

SO... okay tml then do work. i have my construction to do and my design horray. im so screwed.

my chain of events.

2006-03-17T00:14:00.001+08:00

watched V for vendetta with van and sam. great show. deals with a few of society issues.

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lost my phone. so dont call me.

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should have kept my big mouth shut. now i know.
DAMN.

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FUCKed UP.

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how i hate the change in events.

2006-03-16T02:57:00.000+08:00

the split of reality

unbinded by out restrictions
we are what we want to be our fairytale
we love who we want to love our love affair